66

So we are sat in the local pub.
I over hear this.

tell them about your mum at xmas – the girl
OH no – the boy
GO on. – the girl
Ok, well I open up one of my presents and it is underpants. – the boy
Oh yes – boy (B)
Yes, and she goes “I got you a medium because I thought well he can’t fill much more than that…” – the boy
Ha, what did you say – Boy (B)
Nothing, just opened my next present. – the boy


67

and we sing:

hot and heavy

breathing heaving

saggy tits he flicks

his cigarette still lit

as he runs for the bus

and frozen stare

self given airs

she looks at him

pert and prim

to say despite the open seat she does not want him to sit next to her

and after all the jokes he’s told

he’s turned so cold

a heavy load

sumised in his reflection he getting old

and nervous about all this change

clicking, ticking of her age

call it the clock of all last shots

sitting lightly in her womb

but heavy in her mind

and sat amongst this average scene

my return to bloody london

thinking what point did I become them

then disliking myself because I sound like a prick

and Oh don’t you hate monday

call it the sight of murder and mundane

and I will sigh

as life passes me by

with a boss who hates me

and a job I hate

but then I come home to you

64

“Well they have hired this cleaner but apparently she isn’t ACDC enough for them…”
“ACDC?”
“no your mother means ODBB.”
“ODBB? Do you mean OCD?”
“ARH”
“What’s ACDC?
“What’s ODBB?”

65

“So we have re-arranged the living room.”
“I can see, it…. It looks nice mum…. Maybe a tad intense, the sofas are about three foot from each other.”
“I know, I call it a talking pit!”
“Talking pit…. Do you think there could be a nicer term for it.”

-Some time passes-

“What about conversation pit.”
“it wasn’t the talking bit that I had reservations about.”
“no?”
“no it was the pit bit.”


-Some more time passes-

“what about conversation basin.”
“I like it?”

62

“Glum”
“I’m sorry”
“Glum, I really like it,”
“Yes?”
“Yes, as a word it sounds great, and its very English for one, and it describes a very specific feeling that non the less when I say to you I’m feeling glum, you know what I mean. Also it has that thing, you know where it sounds like what it means… Glum,”
“onomatopoeic.”
“that’s the one, glum.”


(Pause)

“are you feeling glum,”
“well as you bring it up….”

63

So we have just played the union chapel.

 I

Feel

Elated

I start to walk off stage.
Before I make it however an old lady appears in front of me. 
“well done” – there is a little tremble in her voice that displays her age. She must have sprinted to get to the side of the stage that quick.
“thank you”
she grabs my arm.
Grip is like a vice.
“your not a natural front man.”
“erm” I smile
“you don’t have much presence”
I laugh “erm”
“by that I mean you are shy,”
“yes”
“you need to stand straighter, you need to command your audience.”
“erm”
“are you listening to me” – now the wobble in her voice is gone and she is increasingly reminding me of an old school teacher of mine, also she has not relinquished her grip on my arm.
“oh yes I am” I nod my head
“your not a handsome man…”
“no” I shake my head
“but you have a nice voice”
“yes” I nod my head, by this point I am becoming very aware that I am still on stage and there are around 2 to 3 hundred people potentially witnessing this bizarre event.  Also she still hasn’t let go of my arm, if anything with each polite tug I give to try and make my arm my own again she has increased the pressure.
“you shouldn’t mumble, many of your older audience members will not be able to hear you,”
Our older audience members? I think.
“erm I’m…”
“YES?”
“I’m, I’m sorry? I’ll try better next time.”
“well good,”
she smiles,
she lets go of my arm “I did like the songs”
“oh good, I’m glad you did.”
She walks away.
I
Feel
Less
Than
Elated

57

I’m doing the last vocal take for the album

“Hey, If you want any tips on how to get you vocals good I’ll just be through the other room…”
the door shuts
“You know sometimes I think ian says things that on the surface sound helpful but deep down are  just to make himself sound good…”
“Oh no I think he was being sarcastic.” - Mo
“oh no Ralph was being sarcastic too.” - Ben
“I’m german, any more than one level of irony and I’m lost. You English like to swim in it….” –Mo (the german)

58

“HI I’m Zora…”
“Zora what an interesting name…”
“arh yeah it means the girl who has everything,”
“and do you?”
“Well I suppose so…”
“Bet you don’t have a dick.”


59

great names for a Rev

REV Paul Mike Hunt

60

“So  this girl was asking to have a photo taken.”
“Yeah”
“With me… a photo with me and her you see.”
“I see.”
“I didn’t really want to do it I felt very embarrassed to be honest.”
“that’s understandable.”
“anyhow so I’ve braced myself for the photo. I’ve got my arm around her and I’m trying hard to not look as awkward as I feel. Then suddenly her friend slips in and under my other arm…”
“oh god.”
“I know suddenly I’m looking like some dirty pimp man. My grin is welded to my face.”
“oh dear…”
 I wanted to scream this was not the deal… not the deal girls.. can’t I do you one at a time…”
“erm I glad you didn’t say that.”
“erm me too”
61

the two girls have just bought the fictional state 7”

“I can’t wait to put this on on the car ride home….”

55

I’m holding my Nephew… he is so beautiful….
I stroke his head…

“his hair is so soft”
his mother says “I know”
“if it wasn’t so immoral , then they should make pillow covers out of this.”
“erm can I have my child back.”
“What? I said if it wasn’t so immoral.”

53

and we sing, (by request)

I stare at you
Waiting for these damn bombs to fall
We’re waste with love
Like our parents did years before
You look strange to me
Glowing with our life’s certain end
Your silent now
save the warning on the radio

and they know
and we know
 we’re not kidding anyone except ourselves
stop this world
for five minutes
What kind of chances do we give ourselves.

So strike a pose
Where you want your damn ashes to fall
Like common dust
Our choice our final choice.
I’ll tell you now
Why I waste such mundane words
I’ll tell you now
Why I wait for bombs so long

and they know
and we know
 we’re not kidding anyone except ourselves
stop this world
for five minutes
What kind of chances do we give ourselves.


Skin
Skin and bones is all that’s left
Of me and you
Just two damaged fools
Dust
Dust we return my friends
Me and you
Just two damaged fools

Place your head on my own
Place your head on my own

and they know
and we know
 we’re not kidding anyone except ourselves
stop this world
for five minutes
What kind of chances do we give ourselves.

51

My flatmate is looking at a picture on my phone

“who’s that a photo of?”
“It’s you?”
“Me?”
“yeah when you got your foot stuck in a door.”

“……”

“remember that time you got your foot stuck in the door”

“No”

“come on we were at tom’s house”

“oh yeah, Tom’s house.”

“Yeah I remeber, I got my foot stuck in the door”

“Yeah you did.”

52


“so it’s top five inventions that have had been predicted in science fiction”
“Ok…. So like the flying car?”
“erm, no, because we don’t have flying cars do we.”
“oh no.”
“no so these are real things. Like for example  number four is cctv cameras they are everywhere now but were predicted in George Orwell’s 1984”
“right so like tv’s?”
“actually that’s  not down here. Whats that from?”
“I don’t know, something.”
“your probably right….”
“shall we do something else…”

51

My flatmate is looking at a picture on my phone

“who’s that a photo of?”
“It’s you?”
“Me?”
“yeah when you got your foot stuck in a door.”
“Oh yeah”

(via DIY) so this is the first part of four videos from my band. they each show different parts of one day on one street. enjoy.

49

“What do you think is the most manly cereal?”
“Porridge maybe muesli?
“Not muesli?”
“Why not?”
“It has too many bits in it to be really manly”
“OK, erm what do you suggest?”
“Cornflakes”
“Cornflakes, but you get them in children’s variety packs, nothing manly can
be in children’s variety pack.”
“That’s a good point., so what do we have left?”
  “Porridge.”
“Porridge is the manliest cereal…”
“Is Porridge even a cereal?”

Neither of us knows, but what we do know, deep down is that, that was not the most manly of conversations….


50

“I know that you’re a lesbian, and you have no interest in me or my cock but, well your in my flat, you could at least be nice to me.”